LHC shut down compels CERN to collide mosquitoes

Due to the Large Hadron Collider's shut down for the winter caused by technical difficulties, CERN unvails the SMC, the Small Mosquito Collider, condemned by Stephen Hawking as an insult to science. "This is bullshit," said Hawking. "CERN breaks the LHC, and this is their back up plan? They better pray for a stable black hole, that's all I have to say," Hawking stated angrily, before blowing his chair's speakers.

A tonne of liquid helium leaked into the experiment's 17 mile (27km) long tunnel 19 September, caused by a faulty electrical connection between two of the accelerator's magnets. Once the incident was discovered, CERN physicists scrambled to the surface with nets.

"Coming immediately after the successful start-up of LHC on September 10th, this is undoubtedly a psychological blow," said Robert Aymar, director-general of the European Organization for Nuclear Research (Cern). "But we're sure we'll get desired results from the SMC as soon as we find some mosquitoes, but if not, we'll coordinate with Evolutionary Acceleration Research Institute to use their Giant Animal Smasher, GAS."

Brian Cox, in a statement on BBC radio, reiterated CERN's talking points to defend the SMC. "We've been saying this all along, colliding mosquitoes is equivalent to colliding protons. Why wouldn't we fall back to our original collider? Oops," Brian Cox admits. "I know, I know... Why spend billions of dollars on a particle accelerator when you can get the same results smashing Mosquitoes? Well guess what, the LHC is paid for, so get over it! Anybody who thinks you can make a living from the SMC is a twat!"

To fend off critics before they could slam the SMC, CERN physicists dismissed any idea that smashing mosquitoes would create a super bug that would suck you dry.