LHC shut down compels CERN to collide mosquitoes

Due to the Large Hadron Collider's shut down for the winter caused by technical difficulties, CERN unvails the SMC, the Small Mosquito Collider, condemned by Stephen Hawking as an insult to science. "This is bullshit," said Hawking. "CERN breaks the LHC, and this is their back up plan? They better pray for a stable black hole, that's all I have to say," Hawking stated angrily, before blowing his chair's speakers.

A tonne of liquid helium leaked into the experiment's 17 mile (27km) long tunnel 19 September, caused by a faulty electrical connection between two of the accelerator's magnets. Once the incident was discovered, CERN physicists scrambled to the surface with nets.

"Coming immediately after the successful start-up of LHC on September 10th, this is undoubtedly a psychological blow," said Robert Aymar, director-general of the European Organization for Nuclear Research (Cern). "But we're sure we'll get desired results from the SMC as soon as we find some mosquitoes, but if not, we'll coordinate with Evolutionary Acceleration Research Institute to use their Giant Animal Smasher, GAS."

Brian Cox, in a statement on BBC radio, reiterated CERN's talking points to defend the SMC. "We've been saying this all along, colliding mosquitoes is equivalent to colliding protons. Why wouldn't we fall back to our original collider? Oops," Brian Cox admits. "I know, I know... Why spend billions of dollars on a particle accelerator when you can get the same results smashing Mosquitoes? Well guess what, the LHC is paid for, so get over it! Anybody who thinks you can make a living from the SMC is a twat!"

To fend off critics before they could slam the SMC, CERN physicists dismissed any idea that smashing mosquitoes would create a super bug that would suck you dry.

Questions to ask Stephen Hawking on CNN

CNN will be relaying questions to cosmologist, theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking in relation to space, which will air on their show "The Spirit of Space" early October. Since everyone states Stephen Hawking is possibly the smartest person on the planet, he shouldn't have any problems answering questions if you ask him these questions below:

* Are Earth particles stationary to cosmic rays, meaning they can't move a centimeter without getting hit by these rays?

* If Hawking radiation doesn't exist, what will happen to black holes?

* How fast does black holes suck in matter?

* If you're wrong about hawking radiation, do you feel comfortable that the most destructive force in the universe will be created in the heart of Europe at the LHC, one per second?

* What happens when black holes collide with each other?

If he doesn't answer any of the questions above, we know where his hearts is, and it isn't space. The Nobel prize in physics!

Hawking Radiation, Higgs Boson, do or bust (implode)

10 September, Red Button Day as CERN calls it... Whoo-hoo! ...the first beams of protons will be injected into the Large Hadron Collider (LHC), and through various sources, either it's going to circulate in one direction to test the 17 mile round particle accelerator for a few weeks, or smash protons together at near light speed either that day or by the end of this week, or in two months.

Anyway, depending on when these collisions take place, the main purpose is to detect the Higgs Boson, what CERN calls the God particle, which Stephen Hawking placed a bet against it being discovered in 2000 once the LHC is operational, that still holds today, but still expects his own theory, Hawking Radiation, will evaporate micro black holes before they could become stable enough to grow, even after losing a bet causing him to admit in 2004 that the Hawking Radiation theory was in error for over 30 years.

Knowing this, CERN still expects the unproven Hawking Radiation theory to still save the day if micro black holes are produced through LHC collisions, not even considering that it could be completely wrong. Now if Stephen Hawking states Higgs Boson wont be created through LHC collisions which some fanatical CERN supporters call idiotically ludicrous to even think, why do they still expect Hawking Radiation to evaporate micro black holes when they now call Hawking an idiot?

Wait till we cross into the next dimension, then you can call him names! Sheesh!

AFP - Hawking bets CERN mega-machine won't find 'God's Particle'
The Guardian - Hawking revises black hole thinking